Nobody Knows

"he put it on me. i put it on like there was nothing wrong. it didnt fit. it wasn't right. wasn't just the size. they say you know when you know. i dont know. i didnt feel the fairytale feeling. am i a stupid girl for even dreaming that i could."

~ Katy Perry

When I heard those first few lines of "Not Like The Movies" I literally had to stop myself from bursting into tears because...well...not only is it about having someone propose MARRIAGE to you who you know isn't the prince charming that you're waiting for but it's also telling the storyof the inevitability that you'll come face to face with someone who's willing to give you all the love you're searching for... but that you won't be able to convince yourself that your idea of fairytale love isn't out there waiting, long enough to let this person love you. But above all...those lines just reminded me that no one has any clue what love really...TRULY is. I mean if someone, somewhere sat down and decided to spend the rest of their life putting together a definition of love from every song, movie, book, etc...I'd go out on a limb and say they'd die with a failed mission. No one has a clue. We all try to define it. Box it. Stretch it to make it fit all kinds of mess, pain and circumstance. For some it's a feeling. For others its an action. For most it's where we first experience hurt. For many it's where we find ourselves over and over again hoping maybe this time...it works. One of my favorite quotes is found in the story of Anna Karenina (oddly about a woman having a scandelous affair):

"Just as there are as many minds as there are heads, so there are as many types of love as there are hearts."

...I've always read that quote and thought it was amazing and so very true...but how can there be a type of something we can't even define? And how can you ever know you've found it? It seems that's the reason most people remark on finding it once it's gone...equating it with something invisible...something that only loss can reveal. Well isn't that comforting? Ha. Love is risky. And stupid. And beautiful. And boundless. It's too big to be contained...maybe that's the reason no one can really tell when they've captured it.

check the full song here. it's amazing.

Sincerely,

@Bestnewactress

P.s- or are we just looking in all the wrong places?

hmmm....

Women are...Imperfect!

So as I get older I start to think more and more about what it means to be a woman. Let's not even get started on what it means to be a BLACK woman...thats an even deeper thought process...but I digress. While reading Hill Harper's new book "The Conversation" I came to the chapter entitled "What Black Women Want" and I was so happy to find that he actually talked to Black women and gathered their opinions but it also made me think a little about myself as a...well as a woman. I started to think about the things that women are afraid to admit about ourselves and the things that make us irresistible yet impossible to figure out at times. So I decided to do the unthinkable...im gonna say what I know about women...I think I can call myself an expert:

We are irrational. We are easily hurt. We hold grudges. We think about sex as much as men do...we just dont like to admit it. When we first see a good looking man we do, indeed, think about how he would be in bed...and THEN we go into our fantasy world (thinking of marriage, kids, etc...). We will pick fights when things are perfect sometimes just to see how much you care. We are ALL insecure about something. We like to be told how pretty we are...a lot. We love our friends. We DONT tell them EVERYTHING (to all my friends..."did i just say that?" come on we all know its true lol). We do as much dirt as men do...we just do it better. We are smarter than men...and sometimes when we're in relationships we pretend not to be so that we can ignore the WARNING signs. We always know when a man isn't the right one...we just dont always accept it. We get dressed for men (dont care what we say...we want you to notice just how cute we look). We live somewhere between sanity and insanity. We lie. We probably have done #2 at your house without you knowing :). We're fragile (even all the "i dont need a man. im strong and independent and God fearing and cant nobody hurt me" sistas out there). We need to feel appreciated. We're soft and kind. We're ruinable. We're special. We laugh with our eyes and sometimes hurt with our words (we dont mean to). We're the worse during "soowoo" season. We tell our girls mostly all the bad stuff you do. We try to trust. We want to trust. We find it hard to trust. We know when you're 100% in it. We know when the fire is gone. We listen to songs and make our love stories match them...even when they dont. We hear everything you say...and we'll twist those words around to mean whatever we want them to lol. We sometimes confuse lust with love but I've never known a woman to confuse love with lust. We do all the things we did as girls...still. We are complex...yet very simple. We believe in love...even when we say we dont. We need love. We need to love someone. We love to be desired. We hate to be bugged. We love to be admired and envied. We hate to be ignored.

And so for my fellas...you're probably thinking "ok...thanks for the heads up"...or you spent that whole list thinking "yep I already knew this...mmhmmmm crazy a** women" lol well here's something sweet to smooth that over...what I know women like about men....

We like when you try to be tough. We like when you do things...just because. We like when you make french toast ;). We like when you remember something we said in a conversation. We like when you're honest about not being honest. We like when you place your hand on the small of our backs. We like when you watch us talk and get lost in our eyes for that moment. We like when you dont know how to do something but pretend you do. We like how you smell. We like how you walk especially when we're with you. We like how you pretend to not care what we think...but you do. We like how passionate you get about sports, music, movies, etc...women like passion in general. We like when you place your hand on our thighs or on top of our hand in a movie theatre or in the car. We like when you get mad about how someone treated us. We like when you let your competitive side get the best of you and wont let us win. We like when you let us win. haha. We like when you admit to liking a "chick" flick. We like when you trust us. We like when we can trust you. We like when we can smell you on our clothes when you leave. We like when you teach us about sports...even when you get frustrated. We like when you talk to our mothers. We like when you reach out to our friends. We like when you try to guess what we'll like...and get it wrong...but at least you tried. :)

Keep in mind these are for all my sane, real, mature women and men...all yall crazy, loose cannons...I dont have anything for yall on here tonight lol. Naw im just serious. HA! Well that was my nice, sweet blog for the month. Hope you enjoyed. I think I speak for a lot of women when I say the first time I heard this song I was like "OMG I am the SAME way" lol here's Beyonce's 'Flaws and All':

Flaws And All - Beyonce
Uploaded by vindiezel. - See the latest featured music videos.

Sincerely,

@bestnewactress

Love at Starbucks...

You know those movies where the girl is sitting at Starbucks furiously typing on her laptop and all of a sudden a guy strolls in the makes her look away form her keys a little too long and eventually she's typed a completely incoherent sentence with more than a few misspelled words. And then all the thoughts run through your mind. Could this be my writeable love story moment? You watch him order and then sip his iced cafe latte and think "why did he order that?" You watch him, watch others and try hard to decipger to figure out which women keep his eye for longer than the small second that he gives to other passerbys. But you just can figure it out. And then THAT thought. "He's Gay!" You think and that thought does one of two things it either totally liberates you from even staring at this stranger any longer or it makes you that much more interested in figuring out why the damned man hasn't come over yet to talk to the girl who's been staring at him like a dig eyes a bone for the last 10 minutes. And thn you have a grand idea find a way to catch his eye again long enough to invite him to sit down because Starbucks is so very crowded at 3:16 in the afternoon and just as the idea pops into your head and you swallow enough saliva to seriously consider doing it, some sloppy, sweaty twat with a double chin and a book on Aristotle eyes the very seat the love of your Starbucks life was meant to be sitting in as you explain to him why you're in a city so far from home as you explain yo him that you're an aspiring actress who did a once in a lifetime internship with one of the leading companies in NYC. And then it happens a woman catches his eye...1,2,3,4,5...head turn,6,7...bitch got 7 seconds and a head turn!!!! But he didnt make a move on her...so...gay is still possible, since he doesnt seem old enough to be married and not confident enough to have  girlfriend just yet. And then 20 mins has gone by and you realize...here I am staring at this stranger all ready to measure my worth in seconds that he spends returning the dazed stares that I have given him while staring up from my keys....when the truth of the matter is only people in movies truly find love at starbucks...