The Sting

It's so easy to talk about the beauty of love, the giddiness of a new love, the expectation of future love...we feel tingly inside discussing it... yet so many times we shy away from the pain of lost love. But the truth of the matter is...it's more real than all the others. It's what makes the giddiness even more special, the first moment of passion more memorable, the expectation of the loves to come more desirable...but it's what makes us the most vulnerable. You enter into something with a person...many of us try really hard to keep our cool. Not calling too often, not showing too much of how we feel, keeping other options open JUST IN CASE...although in the back of our minds we know...there's something special about "that one". So, then it happens...the other options start to go away...the walls start to come down...most times involuntarily...and before you know it you're all in. Phone conversations become less surface level and more about who you are as people and what you want from one another...and before you know it...your day doesnt seem complete without talking to that person...your feelings are growing stronger and all the cool you THOUGHT you had is replaced with all the hidden sensitivities you've been holding back. Things are going smoothly and nothing points to problems on the horizon...you figure it's time to talk about making things "official". You rack your brain all day trying to find the best way to approach it without seeming too pressed about it. You tell him everything you're feeling...because after all...you guys are at that point, right? He explains to you that right now he cant just make that choice in his life, he wants to make sure he's completely ready for a relationship...so as not to hurt you. You find for the first time...how much you trust him. You take every single word in...hearing all his points and agreeing with those that make the rejection seem more like a temporary pause in action...until he's ready...and you know he'll get there. Time goes by...the lack of commitment seems like nothing...it's like you're together anyway, right? Things seem to still be on track to being the relationship you've always wanted. Man of your dreams. Check. Someone you can truly be yourself with. Check. Past the awkward first few months. Check. Past the first "where is this going?" conversation. Check. But then...you get that call/text/email...the one that's not like the others. The one that suggests...maybe...naw...must just be a bad day...and then you call...to see what's up. No answer. Text. No response. And all in one moment...you know. This is not going to be the fairytale you expected. You prepare yourself for the worst...while still that little 6 year old who watches Disney Princess movies who lives in your heart holds out hope that maybe fairytales are real. And finally...he lets you know...that the commitment you knew would come...isn't. won't. wasn't. You realize that all the time you were thinking two totally different things about what you were sharing...who was living the lie? You? Him? There's no real explanation from the person you thought you knew. And the trust you gave to his unwillingness to jump into something...suddenly looks like nothing but naivety and stupidity. You handle it the best way you know how...trying to overstep the bitter, angry, lonely routine that seems so overdone. You start to pick up the pieces of your heart...month goes by. A little stronger. 2 months go by. Almost there. What happens in month 3? Pictures pop up...him and someone new...you try to not overreact maybe...it's...his...? What happens in month 3? You start over with the sting that you felt when he first erased the last page of the fairytale...because now you know...the whole time...you and him were reading from two entirely different books. It was not his readiness but his WILLINGNESS that kept him from committing to an idea of an "us", a "we"...and that sting...is the hardest to overcome.

Never stop believing :)

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

(I think we can all relate to this)

Sincerely,

@bestnewactress

One in a Lifetime?

This is a question I often ask myself...(the title for this post actually comes from a new Monica song hehe)...but I've had many conversations in which people discuss this idea of "settling"...especially in terms of relationships. There's this idea, that many people share, that very few people end up with the person who they REALLY want to be with. That you get one person in your life who you truly love...butterflies in the stomach, heart pounding, "I'll do anything to keep you around"...truly love. That things may not go right with that person and you both decide to walk away from it...but you always know in the back of your mind that you'll never love someone that way again...and you just accept it. And then you meet someone who you love...enough...and the timing's right...and you're pressing the clock to find someone to settle down with and you just do it. You live your life loving this person just enough to stay with them...never again having THAT feeling...that 1st crush, "is he gonna call, should I call first?", heart beating in your stomach, sweaty palm, i could stare in your eyes forever...feeling. I don't think I could ever truly be happy unless I marry the man who gives me butterflies every single time he walks into a room...and even just from hearing his voice from a million miles away. It's not real...unless there's FIREWORKS for me...not just sparks...when the man I decide to spend the rest of my life with looks at me I will settle for nothing less than Avatar-esque CGI explosions to go off in my heart. Is that too much to ask? Settling has never been an option for me...not in my life, career or dreams...so the idea of settling in love has never even crossed my mind. But apparently, it seems like a viable option for many people...especially women. There's this idea that maybe you won't get another chance to get married...or even before that step...that you won't find another man to even commit to you on a gf/bf level...so the first bite you get on the line...you pull. Sure, maybe that means you have someone to cuddle with on cold nights...someone to buy your movie ticket or someone to ahem fix the plumbing...but that's so conditional. Why not hold out for something more real than a dinner date? Why not take a chance on true happiness? Of course that means there is a chance that you'll spend many nights alone in the bed with a box of Kleenex watching the proposal episode of Martin but...isn't it worth it if in the end you get the real thing? You get the fairytale relationship...that leads to the perfect proposal and the beautiful wedding...and the lifetime of memories with the man who swept you off your feet and never puts you down. That's pretty darn worth it in my eyes. There is so much life ahead of us..yet so little time to waste...that spending time with someone who doesn't truly change your life is just plain pointless. I will never stop believing in finding THEE man who completes my fairytale...then and ONLY then will I commit myself to a lifelong contract with someone. I urge every one of my readers to do the same. Maybe this way, we can build relationships that once again mean something.

Just my thoughts :)

Sincerely,

@bestnewactress

Love kinda like this :)

iFLYPT Update!

Yeah...I know, I know. I've been gone for a while. My last blog post hit home and I had to deal with the part of me that allows me to come to my blog and post what I really, truly feel. Blah, blah, blah enough of that. I'm coming back strong with my first blog of March! In November of 2009, I posted a blog about a young businessman who was/is making a name for himself in the music business...(read the old story here) and I also introduced to you his iPhone App iFLYPT (read that story here). Well, iFLYPT/iFLYPT Remix has been doing INCREDIBLE! It is dubbed as "the hottest new remix app for the iPhone/iTouch" and is garnering praise from iPhone users and celebrities alike. The creators Jon Redwine, "Bobby Digital" and Greg Lowe are all young, black, entrepreneurs with incredible futures ahead of them. If you don't know, now you know. He He. Check out this video of Soulja Boy playing around with the iFlypt.

Sincerely,

@bestnewactress