It's so easy to talk about the beauty of love, the giddiness of a new love, the expectation of future love...we feel tingly inside discussing it... yet so many times we shy away from the pain of lost love. But the truth of the matter is...it's more real than all the others. It's what makes the giddiness even more special, the first moment of passion more memorable, the expectation of the loves to come more desirable...but it's what makes us the most vulnerable. You enter into something with a person...many of us try really hard to keep our cool. Not calling too often, not showing too much of how we feel, keeping other options open JUST IN CASE...although in the back of our minds we know...there's something special about "that one". So, then it happens...the other options start to go away...the walls start to come down...most times involuntarily...and before you know it you're all in. Phone conversations become less surface level and more about who you are as people and what you want from one another...and before you know it...your day doesnt seem complete without talking to that person...your feelings are growing stronger and all the cool you THOUGHT you had is replaced with all the hidden sensitivities you've been holding back. Things are going smoothly and nothing points to problems on the horizon...you figure it's time to talk about making things "official". You rack your brain all day trying to find the best way to approach it without seeming too pressed about it. You tell him everything you're feeling...because after all...you guys are at that point, right? He explains to you that right now he cant just make that choice in his life, he wants to make sure he's completely ready for a relationship...so as not to hurt you. You find for the first time...how much you trust him. You take every single word in...hearing all his points and agreeing with those that make the rejection seem more like a temporary pause in action...until he's ready...and you know he'll get there. Time goes by...the lack of commitment seems like nothing...it's like you're together anyway, right? Things seem to still be on track to being the relationship you've always wanted. Man of your dreams. Check. Someone you can truly be yourself with. Check. Past the awkward first few months. Check. Past the first "where is this going?" conversation. Check. But then...you get that call/text/email...the one that's not like the others. The one that suggests...maybe...naw...must just be a bad day...and then you call...to see what's up. No answer. Text. No response. And all in one moment...you know. This is not going to be the fairytale you expected. You prepare yourself for the worst...while still that little 6 year old who watches Disney Princess movies who lives in your heart holds out hope that maybe fairytales are real. And finally...he lets you know...that the commitment you knew would come...isn't. won't. wasn't. You realize that all the time you were thinking two totally different things about what you were sharing...who was living the lie? You? Him? There's no real explanation from the person you thought you knew. And the trust you gave to his unwillingness to jump into something...suddenly looks like nothing but naivety and stupidity. You handle it the best way you know how...trying to overstep the bitter, angry, lonely routine that seems so overdone. You start to pick up the pieces of your heart...month goes by. A little stronger. 2 months go by. Almost there. What happens in month 3? Pictures pop up...him and someone new...you try to not overreact maybe...it's...his...? What happens in month 3? You start over with the sting that you felt when he first erased the last page of the fairytale...because now you know...the whole time...you and him were reading from two entirely different books. It was not his readiness but his WILLINGNESS that kept him from committing to an idea of an "us", a "we"...and that sting...is the hardest to overcome.

Never stop believing :)